March 2012
It is a little-known fact that in 1913, bedouin shepherd boys playing outside EAA headquarters in Oshkosh discovered an ancient manuscript wrapped in a white linen scarf dating from the earliest days of aviation. The venerable parchment was stuffed into the sound hole of an antediluvian lute, which was perfectly preserved except for a missing G string. Now, for the first time ever, these nuggets of aviation wisdom are seeing the light of day.
Aphorisms of Aviation
The three most critical phases of any flight are takeoff, cruise and landing. They are also the only phases of flight.
Taking Off
Getting the airplane up off the ground may seem like a painfully easy task, but a responsible pilot knows there are a number of important things to consider before the throttles ever go forward.
1. Never switch tanks AFTER the runup. You could find yourself with just enough gas to get to the scene of the accident.
2. It’s always easier to fly the airplane in the direction it’s going. Get on the rudders and live there until you’ve reached the top of climb. (That means you, ya lazy jet pilots.)
3. Double-check that the value you’ve put on the pressurization dial is a positive number lest you stick to the wall during climbout.
4. As the old saying goes, the only time you can have too much fuel on board is when you’re on fire.
5. For the sake of safety, expect to abort every takeoff roll until airborne.
6. Never start the takeoff roll playing the theme from “Top Gun” or “The Ride of the Valkyries,” as statistics indicate those songs playing on your aircraft’s entertainment system can be hazardous, if not just downright embarrassing. Surprisingly, research indicates you’re better off just singing “Guantanamera” by Pete Seeger, “(You’re) Having My Baby” by Paul Anka, or anything from Wayne Fontana and the Mindbenders.
7. In the practice area, simulate losing an engine on the climbout. Determine just how much altitude your airplane needs to return safely to the runway. Remember: the turn back to the runway is not 180 degrees, but more likely something like 225 degrees.
8. Respect the advice from older pilots. An elder should always be considered the Top “Gum.”
9. To avoid flying circles over the departure end of the runway, always neutralize any aileron corrections for crosswinds before rotation.
10. Keep some hot dogs on hand in case of fire on the takeoff roll. Should you see flames or smell fire at a time when there is enough room to stop on the runway, pull the mixture and turn off the fuel. If flames persist, break out the hot dogs. There is really little else you can do but enjoy the moment.
En Route
Easily the most enjoyable part of every flight is traveling from one point to another. A pilot’s job shifts to overseeing navigation, winds and weather challenges. Despite the calm atmosphere of the en route section of the flight, there are things every pilot should know and understand.
1. The absolute most boring thing on the planet can be riding along watching the autopilot fly the route you’ve programmed into the GPS. Pull out a chart and give yourself something constructive to do.
2. As tempting as it might be, do not crawl into the backseat for a nap while flying
3. Have the proper clothing on board to survive a hike out of whatever kind of landscape you’re flying over.
4. A headwind is God’s way of telling you to slow down.
5. Should you encounter ice en route, climb; do not descend. While conventional wisdom says that warmer air lies below you, if you pick up enough ice, you might not be able to climb at all. Always climb first—while you can. You can always descend later if conditions do not improve.
6. Taildraggers are at their best flying from here to there. The en route phase of the flight is about the only time the tailwheel isn’t trying to go first.
7. If you don’t file a flight plan, use flight following. That way if there’s a problem, you’re already on the radio with someone who can help.
8. Be patient with other pilots with whom you share the sky. Remember: the average pilot is still a person capable of feelings such as love, affection, intimacy and caring; these feelings just don’t usually involve anyone else.
9. Use a duck as a first officer whenever possible. The biggest difference between a duck and a copilot is that the duck can fly.
10. Remember: gas tanks are self-inflating. As long as you’re flying, those tanks are always filling themselves with air. A problem can occur when the range you’ve selected is about 50 miles past the point when all the tanks are completely inflated.
Landing
By far the most challenging of all phases can be that transition between being in a flying machine and in a driving machine. Extra vigilance is always valuable.
1. Remember: every instructor agrees that pitch controls the airspeed, and power controls the glideslope. Except all the other instructors who believe power controls the airspeed and pitch controls the glideslope. So, don’t forget that.
2. Never make power adjustments with the red lever. This technique makes holding the glideslope downright stressful.
3. Pitch and power rule the approach. Ignoring that fact is like mowing your lawn without a blade. You still have to do all the work, but the results are just not that satisfying.
4. Never take your eye off the centerline, the baseline for every approach. Correct immediately for any drift or other anomaly. Keep the landing zone in a constant position on the windshield. If the landing zone begins to move down the windshield, your approach is too high. If it moves up the windshield, you are low. If the centerline continues off the top of the windshield, you may discontinue the approach.
5. Nothing is more important than airspeed. If you fly the aircraft at the proper approach speed, the airplane will do most of the work for you. If you don’t believe me, you can test this theory by closing your eyes. Before you know it, the aircraft will have landed itself.
6. Statistics prove that a sterile cockpit—a cockpit in which there is no noise or conversation that isn’t essential—is the safest way to operate your aircraft. Handle offending passengers by attaching them, tongue-to-tongue, with duct tape. Pilots in pressurized aircraft may elect to dial the cabin altitude up to about 20,000 feet and soon it will get very quiet in the backseats.
7. Almost all source material in aviation embraces the concept that great landings come from a stabilized approach. The idea is to configure the airplane in such a way that landing requires only small corrections for airspeed, glideslope, etc.
8. Do not “hurry” while attempting to land. Remember: it’s far better to arrive late in this world than early in the next.
9. If it takes full power to taxi, you probably forgot to put the gear down.
10. Never make deals with your higher power that if he/she will just get you out of this, you’ll never fly again. Be careful what you ask for.
11. Always brief your right-seater on the landing prior to starting the approach. Nothing is more infuriating than to wake up and find your copilot asleep when you need them.
Screenwriter, philanthropist and good guy Lyn Freeman has been writing aviation articles since before John Glenn joined the Marines. He is the former editor of Plane & Pilot magazine, founder and current chairperson of the Build-a-Plane organization, a master scuba diver, a championship table tennis player and an all-around Renaissance man. Send questions or comments to editor@piperflyer.org.
