May 2012
It’s right about this time that I begin to have traces of nausea over the volume of political speeches I’ve been subjected to since we started all this presidential election folderol that doesn’t end until this November. I’ve heard about how one candidate or another will impact the Latino vote, the health care industry, auto workers, and so on. Despite the 24 hour-a-day sound bites, the frantic waving of red, white and blue flags and rampant baby kissing, I can tell you with great confidence there is no one who seems to care about General Aviation.
And most of that is because we as a group are just too darned small to show up on the proverbial radar. According to the FAA, there are a little more than 600,000 folks in the United States who have a pilot license, but less than 200,000 have a medical and are actually slipping the surly bonds on even a quasi-regular basis. In the bigger picture, that’s not a very big family.
To give you some perspective on just how small a group we aviators are, Lady Gaga has more than 20 million Twitter followers. (President Obama has just over 12 million.) The American Sportfishing Association estimates about 40 million people fish. Approximately 65 million play chess, 75 million play tennis and about 3.5 BILLION people are soccer fans. In a recent census in Britain, more than 390,000 people listed their religion as “Jedi.” All that, compared to just 200,000 active pilots…
Clearly we all need to do more to increase the number of pilots and other aviation-friendly folk. To help steer you in the right direction, use the following multiple choice questions to help you identify the folks who have the greatest potential of joining us in the sky.
THE LEARN TO FLY APTITUDE TEST
A. Learning to fly is important because
1. few human beings have experienced the thrill of piloting an aircraft.
2. I can visit the 5,300 airports too dull to attract commercial aircraft.
3. my mother-in-law is afraid of heights.
4. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
B. The first thing I’d buy as a student pilot would be
1. noise-attenuating headsets.
2. life insurance.
3. a polo shirt with an embroidered N-number.
4. a leather jacket and a chest hair wig.
C. Ground school is important because
1. I can concentrate on the academic building blocks of my skills.
2. it’s the only part of flying I can afford.
3. it opens a whole new world of pocket-protector trading.
4. I got a thing for Martha King.
D. When I get my pilot license, I want to be just like
1. Chuck Yeager
2. Max Yasgur
3. Tammy Faye Bakker
4. Salman Rushdie
E. During an emergency, I would not hesitate to grab the microphone and say
1. Mayday, I am transmitting blind!
2. I am flying blind!
3. I am blind!
4. I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!
F. With today’s in-flight entertainment systems, I would start my takeoff roll listening to
1. Beethoven’s “Pastorale”
2. The theme from “Top Gun”
3. “(You’re) Having My Baby”
4. “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida”
G. Learning to fly with an all-glass panel is easier because
1. it represents the cockpit of the 21st century.
2. none of the software was designed by Bill Gates.
3. in case of an accident, glass is recyclable.
4. instead of “scanning,” guys can do what comes naturally—staring.
H. A red light on your instrument panel means
1. this flight just got more expensive.
2. your bagel is ready.
3. Game Over.
4. All of the above.
I. A surprise “ramp check” by an FAA inspector means a pilot should
1. stop the aircraft.
2. stop the aircraft and run.
3. look the inspector in the eyes and say, “I love Brian Piccolo.”
4. use the opportunity to convince him to join Amway.
J. An F-16 flying on your wing with a flash card reading “121.5” means
1. you’ve possibly committed an airspace violation.
2. this is your ground speed.
3. your buddy finally got into the Air National Guard and wants to race.
4. the estimated top batting average after baseball bans steroids.
K. After earning my license, should both pilots on an airliner suddenly become incapacitated, I would immediately step into the cockpit and say,
1. “It was the food.”
2. “Am I going to miss my connection?”
3. “What was so bad about being called ‘stewardesses’?”
4. “I can do this! Excuse me while I kiss the sky!”
L. If my son or daughter asked to continue on in my footsteps and get his/her pilot’s license, I would give them this one nugget of advice:
1. Remember: a pilot’s license is a license to learn.
2. I’m not paying.
3. Don’t tell you mother.
4. If it flies or floats, it’s cheaper to rent!
Becoming a larger group of flying constituents is only half the problem. We’d need someone in the White House who is willing to stand up and add some elbow grease to shore up the waning General Aviation community.
For that reason, late as it may be, I’m throwing my hat into the presidential race. If elected, here are my campaign promises:
• Federal income taxes will be eliminated for all pilots. No one thanks us for the load we take off the commercial airline system and the money we shell out by flying our own planes to thousands of smaller destinations.
• I want all the money back we’ve spent on those silly chain-link fences that now surround nearly every General Aviation airport. Puuh-leeeaaase!
• Rehire all the furloughed airline pilots and immediately reinstate their pay. If we can spend the money for 11 TSA workers to stand around a country airport where one commercial flight arrives a day, we can damned sure help our fellow pilots in need. Let them assist VFR pilots through bad weather; let them fly with pilots who’ve lost their medicals; give federally funded flight instruction, and so forth. Anyone remaining could be like Kmart greeters at FBOs across the country. Roosevelt created the WPA along the same line of thinking and we’re still reaping the benefits today.
• All FAA field inspectors must wear those bunny slippers and glasses with the big eyeballs that fall forward and bounce on a spring. Even if you do have a rotating beacon that’s not operational, those folks need to lighten up.
• Air traffic controllers who put an airplane into a holding pattern should be required to tell jokes or otherwise entertain any pilot who’s made to circle the race track. “So this flight attendant walks into a bar with an elf and a porcupine…”.
• An aviation appreciation class will be required before graduating high school. I’m sick and tired of people not realizing what the world would be like if we didn’t have airplanes and not realizing how lucky we are to be able to fly.
• Like carpool lanes, special provisions should be made for pilots who want to just drive their airplane home after a flight, relieving congestion at airports.
• Immediately after my election, every General Aviation aircraft will be fitted with some sort of pilot relief tube.
• You can forget all those aviation product liability suits. When a pilot runs out of gas and crashes because he relied upon the 29-cent gas gauge that was installed 17 years ago in his airplane, he has already received all the judgment he’s entitled to.
See you in November.
Screenwriter, philanthropist and good guy Lyn Freeman has been writing aviation articles since before John Glenn joined the Marines. He is the former editor of Plane & Pilot magazine, founder and current chairperson of the Build-a-Plane organization, a master scuba diver, a championship table tennis player and an all-around Renaissance man. Send questions or comments to editor@piperflyer.org.
